Ola Andersson blogg aka Taz_1999

Välkommen till Ola Anderssons/Taz_1999 personliga två-språkiga humorblogg. Men tyvärr är den inte kul, på något av språken. Ledsen för det. Jag har dock en bra ide på att lösa det problemet, genom att lära mig mera. Ett tredje språk alltså: Eskimåiska. Hrurfru ghuujik illloooik. Hahaha!

My key to true happiness

A key in a door - in the door frame - the ocean on a sunny daySometimes when I have a conversation with myself I ask me: "Not only are you one of the most crazy people in the western hemisphere, you are also one of the most uniqely creative. What, pray tell, would one such as yourself consider being the key to happiness?".

I always answer this: "My simple dream is to work hard and live a long an prosperous life that would leve me filthy stinking rich  because this is the key to true happiness." 

– "Money and work is the key to happiness?" I respond, sceptically.

– "Not in it self no. The key to happiness is what you can do with your money, silly!"

– "Like helping others you mean?"

– "Don't be a peckerhead, of cource not! How would someone elses happines give me happiness? It just doesn't work that way. There are no happymaking-brainwaves that radiates from happy people to others making them deliriously happy too. That glow you can see with your naked eye radiating from pretty girls  when you are really really drunk are not happymaking-brainwaves, they are 'I am very horny, please make a move on me by grunting'-waves, and you should be wise to always act on them."

– "Really?! Thanks for that stellar advice! Then what is the key to true happiness?"

A mad scientist mixing stuff in tubes– "Simple! With a long life you can be around the day one great invention is finally made, an invention scientist and guys in general have been working hard on for thousands of years, and one beautiful day in the near future, that invention, that dream will come true".

- "That would surely be world peace? With all of God's creatures living together in complete harmony, right?" 

- "Are you some kind of Miss World contestant? In that case you really should look into this exercise-and-eating-healthy-and-using-a-soap-once-in-a-while-rage beacuse you look like you drank your breakfast just before you spilled it on the clothes you found in the dumpster you slept in. No, of cource it is not world peace! The invention I'm talking about is the lifelong dream of thousands of guys, right after finding a surefire way to impress women to the point that they will sleep with you instantly."

– "What dream would that be?"

– "Eliminating mans complete and utter need for a woman."

– "Why would you want that? Women are just as able as men, they can do anything a men can, unless it is stupid or unpractical or both. They are also often pretty, sexy and they sure look great nekkid."

– "That is not the point, the dream is there and it is beatiful and that is all she wrote."

– "She?"

– "I mean that is all there is to it."

– "How would one go about eliminating mans need for women, if one was a soul-less moron?"

– "Well, Star Trek point's us on the right path, once again! Star Trek is a TV-show and they have this thing called a holodeck , which is a device, a room actually, that can create and simulate a reality that is just as real as this sorry exuse for a world is in which I did not get good looks, a pleasant personality and a supermodel sleeping in my bed. But in this case you my friend, are in complete control of everything. You instruct a computer that can create any object, even food and complete environments, even smells. It can also create  computer controlled characters you can talk to and touch. You can also communicate with the outside world if you for some strange reason would want to."

– "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar, what on earth are you talking about?"

– "Don't you see? First you need to be alive for a long good while, so you can be around when the scientist finally cracks this puzzle of building a functioning holodeck. Then you use all the money you have accumulated during your life to buy one of theese thingys. You know they are going to be really expensive, that is why you need a lot a money, but still, they will be suprisingly cheap in comparison to divorce settlements, alimony and attorney-fees. Like those you quickly rack up arguing with your ex if you should get to see your own flesh and blood at 16.15 or 16.30 on every other friday and who should pay for the braces, shoes and food and clothes. One would think that sort of thing is included in the child support you pay, you know, to support the child? But nooo, your ex wife thinks you are just a walking, talking wallet..."

– "Let me interrupt your rant right there and state that you are a bitter, angry and weird little man, aren't you?"

– "You forgot smelly and pervert. Think about it, you buy the holodeck with the plugins, get it delivered and assembled on a empty piece of land you also build some plain looking storage building on. Like this one.

A wharehouseYou pay the electric bill and arrange for beer, chocolates and food to be delivered to the door weekly for 10 years or so. Then you fake your own death by burning down that crappy house you can afford after the divorce but not before you have signed at least three years of alimony checks and left them on something very flammable. Then you are off laughing like a hyena on espresso and vodka diet. In your hand is the keys to true happiness, aka the key to the holodeck."

– "As interesting as this insight into the mind of the clinically insane are, I'm afraid to ask what happens next?"

– "You undress, smear parts of your body with chocolate syrup and insert the plugins and pick up as many beerkegs and boxes of chocolate your scrawny, pasty physique can carry and you enter the holodeck, and close the door forever, free and nekkid at last! And you say just one word: execute."

– "What plugins you crazy freak?"

A beatiful blonde in a bikini– "The Pamela Anderson, Hardcore And Uncensored (and willing to do absolutely anything for chocolate and beer)-plugin of cource, in triplicates. Aah, that will be a beatiful way to go."

– "Now, how would this eliminate mans need for women?"

– "Easy, there is no need to leave the holodeck ever! It can provide you with any women your heart desires, better than the real ones. Think of it: You can live in there in an everlasting blissfull ecstacy forever surronded by the most beatiful women you have ever laid your horny pervert eyes on, and they will have just one goal in their tiny computer-controlled minds, and that goal is not the accumulation of shoes! It is making your brains pleasure-center overload. Eventually all men will get one of theese thingys and lock themselves in and the planet will be completely barren of men. Hahaha!"

– "Now, wouldn't all the men that has not yet locked themselves in their own holodecks because they can't afford  them insted buy a guitar, get a tatto and live like Gods in a population where horny desperate females are in the absolute majority?"

– "Shut up!" 

Betygsätt blogginlägg:
Being bad at stuff can be good
Gott Nytt År (första posten)