Ola Andersson blogg aka Taz_1999

Välkommen till Ola Anderssons/Taz_1999 personliga två-språkiga humorblogg. Men tyvärr är den inte kul, på något av språken. Ledsen för det. Jag har dock en bra ide på att lösa det problemet, genom att lära mig mera. Ett tredje språk alltså: Eskimåiska. Hrurfru ghuujik illloooik. Hahaha!

Sweet sweet money! How do I love thee?

A happy man with a pile of cash in his handsLet me count the ways...

Today, I'm happy to report, the universe took an refreshing new approach to the whole reward-and-punishment system and it also told me in no uncertain terms how hard work is connected to getting money.

Usually, I need to do a lot of hard work of a degrading, menial and boring nature who also is of questionable morality. Society as a whole and females in particular generally also frowns upon people of my chosen profession. Most of the time I get a reward of some kind but that reward is, as luck would have it, never ever ever ever on par with the disgusting nature of theese tasks.

Actually I have earlier surmised that all this is likely because I must have been a God awful person in an earlier life, or actually several lives... Probably even thousands of lives, and this time around, I'm really gonna get it. So I work with computers...

All I had to do, this particular and beautiful day, was open my mail. In there was a letter from my bank. Inside a note that states a transfer have been made into my business account. I read the sender, it was a company I've never had contact with, but it is a pretty big one here in Sweden, like on of the top 100 or someting, or maybe 50. And also the amount was a 215 SEK (that is about 28,76 USD or 21,75 Euro).

I was just about to throw the paper away, then I noticed that there are an unusual amount of zeros for 215 SEK. I had to read this a few times: 215.000,00. Not that I'm slow or anything, it's just that you don't expect someone to send you a years salary like that, so thanks universe! 215 000 SEK! (that is 28 763 USD or 21 750 Euros)

A happy baby girl with a pile of cash in her hadsI have spent many hours dreaming of the things I can do when all my hard work pays off and I become filthy stinking rich, but as the universe now have showed me, none of that hard work really matters!  Hard work is not connected to getting money!  I'm not at all bitter about the many many many thousand of hours spent working hard and learning mad skillz for pretty much nothing (so far). All I had to do all along was open my mail! Great! I'm so happy! Goddammit!

What to do with 215.000 smackers!

Now, what could I do with all that cash? That was my next thought, and when you, my dear reader, ponder the  "ideas" below, please keep in mind that I am a morally corrupt, totally irresponsible and so very immature, guy. 
  • I can blow this joint, just take the money, the sweet sweet money and run like the wind!

  • I could buy a car! That is better than running! I would be less tired.

  • I could buy a motorcycle ! That is an even better mode of transport, I look cool even if completely I'm lost!

  • I could buy a cheaper car, throw my crap out in the yard in a pile, set it on fire, and just head south where they will never ever find me! Yeah!

  • I could move abroad, to Thailand, I could live there for a year, maybe two with this money. My diet would be drinks with umbrellas and bar-peanuts since I would spend all my time in bars trying to become more drunk today than I was yesterday. No, I have no ambitions of learning or working hard anymore... The universe took care of that! I just have to open my frigging mail...

  • Two beach-chairs on a sand beach, sunny, blue skies above, overlooking the ocean.I could move to Miami! Flamingo South Beach is really beautiful!  Lookie, available condos right here. Did you know that for what I pay for my crappy place per square meter, taking into account the available condo prices over there, it would cost me only 2000 SEK more to have the same apartment size in Miami, as in Stockholm! But Stockholm is not Miami, the wheater for one thing, the amount of bikinis for another.

    Also, my plan to marry Scarlett Johansson would go a lot faster and be easier to execute if we, for one thing, were on the same continent. Over there I would be "That guy from Sweden", wich is a lot better than just being Ola. Hopefully over there I would also loose my usual surnames that I have over here: "Fat" and "Pervert" that is.

  • I could pay my monthly rent, 40 times! Well, that was not that creative.

  • I could place the money in stocks, and when those blithering morons that sent me the money come looking for it, I could sell the stocks and pocket the profit. If monkeys and doves and Playboy models (Link 1, Link 2) all can outshine actual stock brokers in return on investment in stocks, then I might be able to do the same.

  • Lottery tickets! That is a great investment.

  • I could use the money for a down payment for a house. In this freefalling market, I could make a killing! 

  • I could hire a staff of slutty, bendy, creative women with unusually low morals and give them one single task: to make the pleasure center in my tiny brain overload! Preferably frie it completly and be quick about it! I even know where to look for such a staff: nudie bars!

  • Miami skyline at nightMaybe my staff would like to to Miami!? The money would be gone in a week, but what a week!

Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up just yet, usually the Universe likes to butter me up right before it smites me just to make sure I really feel it. So bad things usually follows right after good things. At least for me personally. I try to see myself as something more than an organic pain collector racing towards oblivion, but it's hard sometimes.

Update: It has been three weeks now, and no one has asked me about it yet. But I sure do sleep well nowdays. I've got money in the bank!

Update: A friend of my also gave me an excellent tip which I did not act upon. Swedish law says that I could declare bankruptcy, use the money and pay all my taxes and other stuff, keep the rest and that would be perfectly legal! Well exept the "keep the rest"-part, but the tax part is correct. In Sweden taxes are huge too. The legality of it is interesting also because I'm actually not allowed to pay the sender of the money before I pay the taxes I personally owe.

Update: I got a nice letter from the big corporation and one pretty funny phonecall: "-You wouldn't happen to have my money would you?". -"What money?".  It turns out that it was not that big corporation that did wrong, it was a writer, who happened to have the same first name as me no less. I'm sure the latter part is another hidden message from the universe. He had had worked for six months on a book and the money was his payment for it. So I sent the money back. He sent me a bottle of fine single malt whiskey as a thanks. Cheers! 

Image credits:  Mo money mo problems by greggoconnell , Baby with money by joeshlabotnik , Miami beach chairs by juicyverve , Miami Night by doolittle1989.

The phrase: "Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing towards oblivion" is something Dogbert says to Dilbert in one of my absolute favourite Dilbert strips. That phrase really crcks me up. The creator of Dilbert is of course Scott Adams, and he is also one of my personal heroes. He also has a blog: Scott Adams Blog.

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